Dice, Camera, Action!: Cat Scratch Fever
by Wramysis
Summary: As he suffers from exhaustion in the jungles of Chult, Diath has some pretty bizarre hallucinations. But could there be any truth to his visions?


A.N.: This story was written for the "Wafflefam Writing Club" prompt: 'nightmare'. The madness was inspired by watching one of Projared's playthrough videos where you have no idea what the plot is until you're halfway through the game. This story takes place in Season 3 after the Waffle Crew have reached Omu, but there are also references to the K'thrissmas Twitter exchange with 'Acquisitions Incorporated: the C Team' and the main Acq Inc game played at PAX South 2018. The ending hasn't aged well, given all the drama, but yeah... this fic was written before all that.

* * *

_"Something's wrong..."_

_"I think he has a fever!"_

Diath groaned as he awoke and squinted at the bright light of the morning sun, realizing as he did that something wasn't quite right. He felt hot and dizzy, and while the humid jungles of Chult had taken a while for them to adjust to, it hadn't bothered Diath this badly in a while. He tossed off his blanket and closed his eyes again, hoping that the malaise would soon pass.

An itch along his right arm began to demand his attention, and he absently reached his left hand over to scratch at it. A sudden sharp pain at the area made him gasp and sit upright. As he did so, he noted in surprise that the source of his pain was a short-fingered hand with sharp claws. A hand that was attached to a long arm with spotted fur. An arm that was attached to- _Oh no._

"Striiiiiix!" he called out, not quite able to conceal the alarm in his voice. His usual restraint in avoiding doing things that might trigger her anxiety was somewhat overridden by the panic now growing inside of _him_.

To his dismay, it wasn't Strix who first approached him, but Paultin. The bard had probably been sleeping nearby, recovering from his usual wine-induced stupor. He shambled over to where Diath lay, stared at him a moment in disbelief, and then joyfully dragged over the frightful murderous doll that Diath despised so much.

"Look Simon! You have another cat dad now!"

Diath barely had patience for these antics even on a _good_ day. "Paultin, please leave me alone, I can't take this right now," he begged through gritted teeth.

Thankfully, Strix was the next to arrive, and she too stopped and did a double-take at his appearance. "Whoa Diath. Did you get bit by a were-jaguar or something?"

"No!" he denied vehemently. But when he tried to recall the last few days, he realized that he couldn't remember much of anything. _What was wrong with him? Why were his thoughts so muddled?_

Strix grabbed a hold of his arm, noticing his injury. "Diath, this doesn't look good."

"Yeah I know, I scratched it by accident."

"No, I mean- didn't that barmy old tabaxi hunter dig a nail into you and do some kind of magic? This looks like it would have been in that spot."

Diath pushed through the fog in his mind to try and remember what Strix described. Yes, there was that hunter they had just met, who had helped them fight off the red dragon. The cat had done something with a rusty nail, and then called them 'blood brothers'. Was this what he had intended? Could it be some form of lycanthropy?

"Strix, please hurry and use your 'remove curse' spell on me," Diath pleaded, feeling very uncomfortable in this form. Ever since he had been slowly turned into a ghoul, he had fervently treasured his humanity. Even being turned temporarily into a werewolf for his own protection had been a difficult ordeal for him.

The tiefling shook her head. "Diath, I know magic, and this isn't magic. Or at least, it isn't a curse. It could be some other kind of disease though... _maybeee?_" Her voice trailed off in uncertainty. "I guess you could try asking Evelyn."

As if magically summoned, the short metallic paladin was also suddenly at his side. Unlike the others, however, she seemed not at all fazed by his appearance. Quite the opposite, she looked almost ecstatic.

"Diath! Oh my, _but_ _don't you look like just the cutest little thing!_ I gotta tell you, I miss being my were-pomeranian self, so you just got to tell me how you did it! But I guess it wouldn't work on me right now 'cause I'm in this new body thanks to Lathandar-_praise his holy name!_ Oh, but I don't mean to sound ungrateful, 'cause this body is real nice and all, and it comes real handy when I need to store things, and-"

"Evelyn!" barked Strix in frustration, digging her nails into the tattered brim of her hat. "Diath needs help! Get Bu-, I mean, Lathander, to do his thing and cure him, please?"

"But Strix, I'm sure Diath doesn't mind looking this way. I mean, I'm sure he's gonna be a lot faster and be able to do all sorts of neat tricks like Bag of Nails did." Evelyn began stroking Diath's head, occasionally patting it and scratching behind his ear.

Just as Diath was about to ask her to stop, Paultin perked up from whatever daze he had been about to pass out in. "Tricks? Hey Diath, can you make lightening arrows too? Oh my god, I totally want those arrows, Diath! Can you show me how to make one?"

It was too much. Despite wanting to stay lying still until the reeling sensation in his head settled, Diath jumped to his feet and fled. He could hear Evelyn chasing after him, shouting something about pets. As he raced through the maze, he realized that his reflexes actually were somewhat sharper. On a whim, he leapt up the nearest wall of the towering maze, trying to see how high up he might reach, and was astounded to find himself landing at the very top. This was amazing!

"Diath, be careful!" Evelyn admonished, suddenly coming up behind him with her winged boots flapping. Diath muttered a curse, annoyed that she had caught up so easily. Well, he might lose her faster down below. He leapt down instinctively, trusting himself to land on his feet. But something was off. The world began to spin, and his vision turned dark. He couldn't see the ground, and he continued to feel himself falling. Diath tried forming a scream, but no sound came...

* * *

_"What do you think it is, some kind of virus?"_

_"I wish I could cure him, but I didn't study diseases too well in school. Maybe that Omin fella you said was around here would be able to help?"_

Diath jolted awake, realizing suddenly that he was seated at a table with Strix, Paultin, and Evelyn beside him. Strix gave him an exasperated look and prodded him again with her elbow. Had he fallen asleep in the middle of a meal? He looked around, realizing that they were in the main room of a busy inn. However, there was no food or even drinks in front of him. That was odd. The first thing Paultin always did was order wine.

Then he realized that there was a man at their table sitting across from them. The figure was somewhat hidden in shadow, and even kept the muffler around his neck drawn up to conceal most of his face. But Diath didn't need to see more to know in whose presence they sat.

"Omin," Diath growled in a low voice, knowing the man's reputation from the shady business he ran in Waterdeep. But Diath's next words were drowned out by Evelyn's cheerful reply to a conversation he had apparently awakened in the middle of.

"Why of course we'd love to exchange presents with some of your employees! What occasion did you say this was for? Something called K'thrismass?"

"That part's not important," Omin said quickly, rolling up a scroll that he had been showing them. Evelyn handed a quill back to him. _Wait, had Evelyn signed some kind of contract with Omin? Had she made Diath sign it?_ Evelyn's training school was in Waterdeep- surely she had heard of Acquisitions Incorporated and knew better than to trust Omin. But looking at Evelyn's carefree expression, suddenly Diath wasn't so sure. He turned desperately to look at his other companions, but Paultin was staring into space and probably having conversations with himself again, and Strix's attention seemed to be focused on every stranger that walked past their table, as if she was ready to bolt at the first whispered mention of 'demon spawn'.

"Okay, we'll be here in three days to meet our new friends!" called out Evelyn merrily as Omin stood and left the table.

"Evelyn, what did you get us into?" Diath hissed. She turned to look at him in surprise, as if this were all completely normal.

"Don't you remember, Diath? Strix's old boss sent a message that he wanted to meet her at this inn, and for the rest of us to come along too. And then he explained that his 'C Team', whatever that is, need a little cheering up, and asked us to get them some presents. He even gave us gold to buy them things, and told us these new friends were going to give us presents too! Isn't he great?"

Diath felt dizzy, which he assumed was from the panic that was beginning to overwhelm him. "Evelyn, did you sign anything that Omin gave you?"

"Maybe? I mean he said a lot of long words, but he seemed real nice." Almost conspiratorially, she leaned over and whispered to Diath, _"He's a priest of Tymora. I don't know who that is, but the name doesn't sound evil."_

Diath resisted the urge to bang his head against the table. It was too late now anyway; Evelyn had accepted the man's gold, which was as good as a signed contract anyway.

Apparently they were now supposed to go shopping. Strix appeared to have had her fill of crowds for the day, and announced she was going to go scavenge at the nearest graveyard. Diath was tempted to follow as she rushed outside, but Evelyn convinced him that she would need help carrying the gifts, and that Paultin didn't seem stable enough on his feet to do it.

Suddenly the door to the inn slammed open, and an elderly halfling shambled in. The other patrons looked beyond her short frame to see who else must be outside to have opened the door for her, but there seemed to be no one there. The woman took notice of Diath and Evelyn, and slowly made her way to their table.

"Is Omin still here?" she asked them, her voice surprisingly steady and strong for her advanced age.

Diath shook his head. "That bastard just left."

Quicker than he could dodge, the halfing suddenly held a staff in her hands and used it to sweep Diath off his feet. As he landed, she used the end of it to prod at Diath's throat.

"Respect, young man. He's earned it, you haven't."

Diath felt his face flush. He wanted to fight back, but this was still an old woman. As he struggled to find a response, he was astonished to see Simon rush over and bat away at her staff, then stand protectively over Diath.

"What's this?" she said in surprise, studying the doll, who was about her size.

"That's our son, Simon," said Evelyn, finally reacting to the situation. "He doesn't like you threatening our family."

The staff was gone as suddenly as it had appeared. "Apologies. I know the importance of family. I'm just a little flustered, you see. Omin summoned me here to Chult for some mission, and he didn't give me any details."

"Ooo, are you part of the K'thrismass party too?" Evelyn asked, clapping her hands in excitement.

The name seemed to trigger a smile of amusement on the old woman's face. "Yes, that too. Well, I guess I'll have my talk with Omin later. I'm happy to have met you fine people. It will make my shopping easier. Which of you is Paultin?"

Evelyn grimaced in embarrassment as she slowly pointed to the bard, who was snoring and drooling upon the table, his hand clutching a glass of wine that Diath had no memory of him ordering.

"Oh that's fine dearie, don't wake him. I'll see you all soon!"

The next few days flew by so fast that Diath had no clear recollection of exactly what had happened. He did remember searching the pawn shops of the local town for the rarest treasure he could buy for Rosie Beestinger, the halfling from the inn. His impression of her left him thinking he had better _not_ disappoint her with his gift. As for what these strangers had given him in return, Diath wasn't quite sure what to make of broken piece of crystal. It was almost the same color as his amethyst, but their warnings about the shard's sharpness kept Diath from having any thoughts about putting this one around his neck. Instead, he kept it tucked deep inside his belt pouch for safekeeping.

"Diath, what's wrong?" Strix asked, looking at him worriedly.

Diath didn't know what she was talking about, until he was hit by a sudden weakness. His knees buckled and he quickly reached over to Paultin to steady himself. The gaudy orange color of Paultin's sweater-Rosie's gift to him-was only adding to the wave of nausea that Diath sensed coming. He felt his arm slip off the bard's shoulders and his body crumple and fall...fall...

* * *

Diath awoke to find himself staring up at his friends' concerned faces. His vision darkened briefly as he turned his head perhaps too quickly to glance down at his arm. There was a bandage now wrapped over the wound, but the arm was definitely human. He sighed in relief.

"You gave us quite a scare, Diath," Evelyn admonished him gently. "Lucky for you, mad monkey fever isn't too dangerous."

"Mad monkey- what?" he asked, bringing a hand to his face to remove the damp cloth someone had put over his brow.

A new figure moved into view. The sight of him made Diath immediately scurry to his feet, but Evelyn held him down, insisting that he get more rest.

"Didn't your guide warn you about the diseases in this jungle?" asked Omin Dran with his annoying air of superiority. "From what your friends told me, you had a run in with a mad tabaxi who you let infect you with his blood. Not a smart move."

Diath sputtered, caught too off guard to be able to muster a reply.

"It's a good thing we found you, Mister Dran," said Evenlyn gratefully, shaking his hand. Strix muttered a few words of thanks, seeming a little cowed at the sight of her former employer. Paultin had already run off to who knew where. Waffles shuffled her way over to Diath and ran her thick tongue over his hair.

"It's fine, I'm always happy to help an employee."

Diath jerked reflexively at his words. "Former employee," he quickly corrected. "Strix said you tore her contract."

Omin turned to him and smiled. "I tore _a_ contract. And anyway, I wasn't referring to _her_."

Diath's heart stopped. He forgot how to breathe. His vision began to darken again. His lungs refused to fill with air. He was falling...

* * *

"It's time to wake up!"

He opened his eyes reluctantly. His vision and his memories were a blur, and his instincts told him that he was better off remaining in the oblivion of sleep. But someone wasn't letting him rest. They kept insistently calling out to him.

_"Wake up, Jared."_

Jared jerked awake. He suddenly realized that he had been dreaming about the game, finding his character trapped in strange situations over and over again. That voice was also familiar to him, and had been present in those dreams. _Omin's voice._ But Omin wasn't supposed to know his real name.

"What is this?" Jared wondered aloud. The voice had seemed to be coming from his screen, but there was no video image to accompany it.

"I know what you did to my airship, _Diath_," the voice said threateningly. "I also know where to find you. I've been to your world, now."

"J-Jerry?" Jared asked uncertainly, edging his chair slightly away from the computer.

The voice laughed unpleasantly. "No. You'd better watch yourself, 'cause I'll be watching _you_. And I don't just mean on Tuesdays."

Jared frantically reached for the power button and held it down until the screen turned off. His heart racing, he waited with bated breath to hear the voice again, but there was nothing there. After a few moments, he tentatively turned the screen back on, bracing himself for anything. Nothing. Had it been another dream?

Jared definitely needed a break. He would go outside and get some fresh air. Yes, maybe even play some _Pokemon Go_ and- did his phone screen just flicker at him? Ok, maybe leave the phone behind. Maybe even leave the house behind. He hadn't visited Holly in a while, and he missed So Cal's sunny winter weather. Yes, surely Holly's house was safe with all its witchy voodoo charms. His wife would surely agree to it. It would all be fine.

It's fine. Everything is fine...


End file.
